I was thinking about Macy Kate coming so soon and about how I went to have lunch with Allie at Kindergarten yesterday and how excited she was to see me. I felt so special! Then I thought about how one day that will be my daughter and then I thought about how when Allie happily waived bye to me and hugged me and said "I wish you could come to dinner at my house tonight!" that this was probably the last time I will see her before the baby comes. That in itself was sad for me - I don't see her often now that she has school and I miss her. Then I got to thinking that once Macy Kate comes, I know I will still love Allie to death (Maddy too) but I have never loved a child as much as I feel like I could love my own, other than Allie, and now that place in my heart will be taken up by Macy Kate because she will be my own daughter. Which is fine and I am thrilled about loving her and having a child but it's sort of sad to have that part of my life (with Allie) change that way. I got to thinking about how I hope she remembers our special bond later in life and not just remember Nonny was in her life and now I have babies of my own, etc. Does that make sense? I want her to remember those special years where I soaked up every piece of her and she and I had this great bond - BEFORE children of my own. I want her to know that I am dying to be a Mommy because of her - because she showed me this huge love that comes from taking care of a child. SHE is the reason I am so excited about having a daughter and I think of Allie every time I walk into Macy Kate's room (mainly because it is Allie's stuff! HA! But I also just think about when she was a baby). I know she will be grown one day and will know I had a part in her early years but I don't know if she will ever truly know how much I love her and how much of an impact she had on my life of wanting to be a Mommy.
I think I will write Allie a letter soon explaining how special she is to me and when she gets older she can read it and know what a special time in my life that was for me. I want her and Maddy to know they will always be a part of my life! Then I got to thinking about how time flies by so fast and how Allie has grown up so fast and I know I will feel that way about my children and miss them being babies, etc. - I know....WAY beyond what I need to be focusing on right now but I found myself lying there at 2am crying and missing Allie and missing this baby inside of me that I have yet to meet:-) I drifted off to sleep about 3:30 wondering....Am I normal?
Posts
1 comment:
That is so sweet. My sister has told me before she is scared to have children because she is scared she could never love a child as much as she loves Layla. I think it is so sweet. I am so very excited for you. I finally got to shop for Miss Macy Kate. I can't wait to give it to you. Are you going to be at church on Sunday?
Post a Comment